Introduction
I get invited to many weddings. One every Saturday in fact, and some during the week as well. Only recently, my wife and I were ourselves married (good grief - it's 7 years now and 4 kids!!!). Our wedding was enriched by using some of the excellent ideas we had acquired through my experience.
Couples who meet with me to discuss photography are often keen for all sorts of information. They share their ideas and are glad to have a second opinion. If an expert is someone who is fully versed and a leader in every aspect of their field, then I am not a total wedding expert.(Try Sandra Boler, editor of BRIDES for that). I am quite the opposite when it comes to etiquette, so my wife tells me. However, I am an experienced photographer, a good listener and I do have a reasonable quotient of common sense, despite the fact I have sired 4 offspring. So, let me present to you some quick, proven and gorgeous points that could help to make your wedding into a better day, a sort of 'Superhints' for Brides. Some tips are things that we did at our wedding, most are ideas borrowed from other excellent days that I have photographed. Yet more are warnings to avoid the pitfalls of others. 1. Use a Professional Wedding Vehicle
There are many advantages. A Chauffeur will know the route well. He will be aware of the timings of the journey and the way things work at wedding. He will not object to picking the confetti from the back seat at the end of the day. If you choose a reputable company, the vehicle will be reliable and expertly maintained. It's size will prevent the crushing and crumpling of your dress before the guests even see it. You will be able to relax during the journeys, probably the only peace and solitude you will have for the entire day. And for some of us, if you do not ride in a chauffeur driven vehicle on your wedding day, when will you? (On your 3rd wedding anniversary in my case)(On a trip to the local curry house). |
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Choosing something different such as a vintage, sports or open top vehicle can add your personal stamp to the event and give you a ride to remember. I write from fond experience.
If you do travel in the open air, beware of insects in warm weather. Contact lens wearers may also want to protect their eyes from the wind to prevent watering. It can be surprisingly chilly, so ask the driver to bring a blanket or two.
2. Watch 'Father of the Bride'.
This
is a somewhat soppy but very pleasant Steve Martin film. Some
cultural adjustment may be required as American Weddings are
different to ours in many ways (budget for example). However, you
may gain some good ideas. Friends who have 'been there' feel that
the film explains the emotions of the parents well. (Last time I
watched it, having had daughters who have now been bridesmaids
twice, I knew exactly how it felt. Pass the Kleenex.) For this
reason alone it is worth a viewing.
Available from good rental shops. Watch out for the sole appearance of the photographer who is seen taking pictures of the bride and groom during a quiet part of the reception so as not to delay the proceedings. What a Good Man. However, what an idiot for not recording all those magic moments that occur naturally etc etc. Which brings us neatly to...
Perhaps there is another 'number one complaint' that is always told to florists and dress designers, but as a photographer I hear this one from 95% of the couples who see me.It goes like this. "We recently went to the wedding of Xrelative in Soandsotown and after the service the photographer took over an hour/ ages/ too long/ three years to take the photographs. Everyone was tired, hot, thirsty and fed up and he was lucky to get away with his life. He was bossy and discourteous. The photographs were so ordinary, was it worth all the waiting?"
Last year I went to two weddings as a guest, and both were exactly like that! So what is the solution to this endemic problem?
Firstly, if you give the photographer a huge list of group photographs to take, he has no choice. To arrange groups does take time. There is always a compromise between what the bride and groom wish and the photographer's sense of self preservation as the baying guests close in.
The problem can be helped greatly by spreading the load. Take the larger groups at the church and immediately after the service, before the guests begin to wander off and before locating slightly deaf Aunt Agnes from Australia becomes a task for a 20 usher search party. These things take time.
The smaller groups, particularly close family and friends, can be photographed at the reception. The ideal time for this is upon arrival whilst the majority of guest are still finding their way, powdering their noses and finding a quiet place to change the baby's nappy. Prime these required people first so they know where to go when they arrive.
The guests can be given welcome drinks whilst the photographs are taken. There will be much to talk about and most people will not object to a delay at this time. They may even welcome it. If the reception is to be mid afternoon and the Church Service has been too early for guests to take lunch beforehand, make absolutely sure that your caterers provide plenty of 'nibbles' during this time. The formal portraits of the bridal couple could also be taken at this time.
I prefer to stay during the reception and photograph bridal portraits late in the day when the light is low and warm. Then, all parties are relaxed and relieved and can release the loving emotions of the day that have been previously hidden by stress.
The very best way to avoid delay is to keep the group shots to a minimum, perhaps just parents, families and then everybody else. Five groups and, with even 150 guests or more, no photographer should take more than 25 minutes.
I am completely committed to this way of working and would not wish for anything else. Read more about the way that I photograph weddings in the section entitled 'Wedding Photojournalism' in my brochure. As I say there, you do not need to have any group photographs if you do not want them. Do not let your photographer dictate the programme to you. Let him follow your lead, not the other way around. It is your day.
It is not enough to say '14th on the right after the pet shop'. I have experienced with a bride and groom the irritation that turns to worry and then to fear as a party fails to appear at the reception due to inadequate directions. Similarly, there is frustration felt by guests who arrive late at the church for the same reason.
Why not print your map on the back cover of the order of service? It saves paper and you are guaranteed that every party will have more than one copy in their vehicle. It's also something to read during the boring bits.
Royal Icing is rock hard, but it needs time to set. Do not leave the cake to the last minute, but demand guarantees from your patisserie, professional or friend, that a stacked, tiered cake will be finished and iced well before the day to prevent sinkage. This is especially important in hot weather that can soften the icing again. Many designs now use stands that overcome the 'stacking' problem.
Whilst on the subject of cakes, Royal Icing is rock hard. Grooms should avoid trapping their bride's hand between the knife handle and their hands. To cut the cake can take both hands and immense pressure. An unprepared bride could be left with crushed digits. Groom's hands to the handle first, bride's on top.
Some people talk of cutting through the hard icing first and filling the slot with icing sugar to disguise it. I have never come across this, but it sounds a good idea if the incision really can be hidden and placed so that it is accessible to the couple.
The secret of great comedy, according to Rowan Atkinson, is timing. It is also the secret of a great wedding. Getting the timing right can make the difference between a relaxed, confident day and a hectic rush from one missed deadline to another.
Similarly, safe motorway driving (what does he mean - there is no similarity between a wedding and a motorway..) depends on leaving an adequate 'buffer zone' between you and the car in front. Without this, you are completely unable to avoid piling into the back of a sudden braker. The police call it the '4 Second Rule'.
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Build the same security into your wedding timings (aaah...). Things inevitably take longer than you expect so build extra time or 'buffer zones' into the events that are flexible. Some things are absolutes, such as the time of the service. This is the deadline to which every other time must relate. Work backwards and build buffer zones into your morning preparations, especially the bride. Let us say that I am coming to photograph at the bride's home at 12am before a 1.30pm wedding. You have wisely asked the cars to arrive at 12.45 so that you may be photographed with them at home. Expect to take an hour for make up, dressing and the placement of your head-dress, so dressing needs to start at 11am. Therefore, you will need to be finished at the Hairdresser's at 10am if you have any distance to travel and want a sit down when you get home. The hair appointment may take a further hour, so you could be at the hairdressers for 9am. Already you have built in a string of buffer zones. If the hair appointment goes over time, just have a shorter sit down. If the dress snags and needs fixing, then I can wait for 15 minutes while it is repaired. |
If your hair appointment were for 10 am and it went overtime, or you had a puncture on the way home, then there would be problems and stress, exactly what you should avoid on the morning of your wedding at all costs. A timing pile-up would be inevitable.
I always stop photographing and leave the bride's home to arrive 20 minutes early at the church. If the bride is not ready or the cars have not arrived when my deadline comes, I will go anyway. There is no choice, otherwise I will create photographic pile-ups of my own.
So plan ahead. You can never have too much time on your wedding morning. After the service begins, events will sweep you along and the day will fly.
After the service, allow half an hour for photography if you wish to have group pictures. Then half an hour (maybe) travelling and parking time to the reception, then another half an hour welcome drinks and powdering the nose time, perhaps 20 minutes to half an hour receiving line and then the wedding breakfast. For a 3pm service lasting around 40 minutes (ask the minister exactly how long this will be), it would be unwise to arrange for the reception to begin before 5.30pm.
The timing is generous, but that is exactly the point. Weddings always take longer than you think.
The number of guests and the distances to be travelled will make a difference. The times above are for an average (not that there is such a thing) and fairly traditional wedding. One hundred to 150 guests and 8 miles of travel under normal driving conditions. They are 'good guesses', but the principle is thoroughly proven and sound.
If you know that the timings are well planned then you will not need to clock watch and you will not need to hurry. You have built in adequate overruns. So relax, let buffer zones save the day.
7. Have A
Dry-Run (Before The Glue Goes On)
When I was a child, my Father and I used to spend many hours assembling plastic construction kits, 'Airfix' kits. I would squander my pocket money and assemble some choice fighter plane. I was frequently disappointed with the untidy results until my Father taught me the secret of the dry run. He would say, "Make sure it all fits together and that the parts match before you put the glue on, because then it will be too late and if it does not fit you will be powerless to make changes."
In the same way, try everything out beforehand. Rehearse the service, walk the routes, try on the dress and then try it on again. If you do not spot a problem until the day, it will be too late. The problem will have to stay. What a waste of pocket money.
Who am I to say this? I am nobody, of course. However, there is plenty to do before you leave for the wedding. Playing the host for well meaning relatives as well could be too much. Not everybody can cope with additional pressure like this. Be diplomatic, but if you know that you will need space on the morning of your most important day, let it be known or ask a parent or friend to tell them for you.
In the week or two leading up to the big day, telephone all the professionals and friends involved. Remind them of what you expect of them. Confirm the timings. Tell them of any changes (the sooner the better) and reassure yourself that they will be there for you.
If you wish to be photographed with the cars at your home before the wedding, ask them to arrive half an hour before the time of the first journey to church. If you are leaving home at 2.45, the cars need to arrive at 2.15.
One church local to us charges a £45 fee if confetti is thrown in the grounds. This is to employ a gardener to clean up and to pay for the upkeep of his Porsche and wife and 7 children in Brazil. Allegedly. It is therefore fiscally and politically wise to discover the minister's requirements regarding confetti. If necessary, print a warning message in the order of service.
If the weather is damp, quickly remove the brightly coloured paper confetti from your dress. It can run and stain.
12. Photos During The
Ceremony
There are two questions here. Do you want them and are they allowed? Photographers should never disrupt or disturb a ceremony but pictures of the exchanging of rings and the first kiss can be beautiful. Find out if your minister would allow a discrete cameraman in view of the altar. Flash is absolutely out of the question. The main thing is to let your photographer know and seek his opinion.
It is a joy for my wife and I to watch our wedding video. We are delighted that we decided to have a high quality, professional production. It brings the memories to life again and relights a romanticism in our relationship each time we watch it. (Good grief! Did I really write that!) Soppy, but true.
Videos, more than any other area, are open to cowboy operators. Few people can buy a Rolls and set up a wedding business 'just to see what happens'. But hundreds can do exactly that with a camcorder. Be very careful of bargain deals and ask to see samples of work. Ask if the videographer himself will be at your wedding, or will he send someone else? Is the videographer a member of a professional organisation and is he qualified? Does he use broadcast quality equipment, S-VHS or other high quality format? Try and find someone whose work has been recommended to you by a friend or another professional whose judgement you value.
Group photographs are potentially the most time consuming. Some are probably essential if we are honest. Everybody wants to see themselves and their families looking their best. The group photos provide a formal record.
I take the following groups as a matter of course.
· Both sets of parents, separately and together
· Brides family and relatives
· Grooms family and relatives
· All other guests
These are best taken after the church service whilst it is still relatively easy to locate the required people. Smaller groups such as groom and grandparents, bride and brother can be slipped into the proceedings at the reception, especially if I am to stay all the way through.
Experience indicates that any further combinations of groups take an excessive time to photograph, exactly what you do not want on your wedding day, and are often not purchased or placed in the album in any case. Ultimately, I will always take whatever photographs you require. Simply bare in mind that the penalty for many groups is much time!
To photograph the list above will take about 20 minutes.
16. The
Receiving Line - Longer Than You Think.
If you have 100 guests and spend 20 seconds receiving each one, the line will take 34 minutes to pass through. The following advice was given to us by our minister. Although your local friends will be the people you find it easiest to talk to, they can see you at any time, so pass them through with a quick 'hallo'. They will understand. Then you can spend more time greeting and thanking the relatives who have travelled miles to be there and whom you rarely see. Be polite but brief and they will all thank you for it.
To avoid queuing, use two rooms. One, in which the guests are served drinks, can serve as a waiting area before being welcomed through to their seats next door. On fine days, the 'first room' can be the great outdoors.
Here is a novel idea (not mine) for an alternative receiving line. Station the bride and groom, the parents, the bridesmaid and bestman around the room in different corners. They stand still and the guests then have half an hour to move around and greet them all.
Our guest list started life with 300 people on it. My wife, Maggie, is remarkably sociable. After much consideration we whittled it down to an essential 220, still 120 more than we were able to accommodate at our Wedding Breakfast. To solve the dilemma, we hit upon the popular idea of two receptions.
Many couples have an evening disco, but friends who need to travel and are not invited to the afternoon reception then face a long wait after the service. We were able to use the church hall. After the photographs at church, we provided an intermediate finger buffet for all 220 guests. Those we could not invite to the evening still had an hour to be sociable, speak to us and be refreshed. We felt that we were able to make them feel special even though we could not give them a full meal. Everybody benefited.
If you have guests with small children, try to establish if there is a place in the church where they can go to change nappies or just to escape if their child is distressed and disturbing the service. Many churches have an ante-room or office that has an extension PA speaker. The parents will still be able to hear the service and so will the people still in church!
There is nothing more special than to arrive at church in a spotless dress. This is every Bride's wish. However, to be practical, a wedding dress rarely remains immaculate. The material shows every mark. Grass and leaves cling athletically to the train. To keep the dress spotless is not easy, but encouragingly, nobody notices the odd mark. They are too bowled over with the radiance of the bride and the overall impact of her beautiful appearance.
Of course, everybody will do their best to protect and look after the dress, but do not be surprised if it picks up the odd blemish during the day. It is to be expected. Do not allow it to spoil your enjoyment of the occasion. Relax and live a little.
There have been many comedy sketches based on the wedding speech and, of course, that famous British film with a lot of swearing in it. We all laugh at the embarrassment of the guests as the best man (Hughie baby) produces a string of double entendres. Excellent entertainment, but not if it happens at your wedding.
Tolerance and acceptability levels vary. You will know what you and your friends find acceptable and where your parents stand. They may be more conservative. For the sake of a few jokes that you may later regret in any case, do not take the risk of offending your family. Brief the best man thoroughly. A little extra effort could avoid much regret.
If you are worried about your speech and will be nervous, write it out. If your mind goes blank and you dry up, at least you can read what is in front of you (unless your mind goes completely blank, in which case you'll probably fall over as well). You will soon find your stride again. Notice how many famous speakers, especially politicians, simply read everything.(And goodness, how boring it can be!) Even the Queen rarely speaks 'off the cuff', but the times they are a changing.
If you are more confident, plain postcards that can be discretely held in the hand make useful prompts with bold keywords to guide you from one section of the speech to the next. Alternatively, rent an autocue (joke). For more ideas, there are plenty of excellent books available on public speaking. Try your local library.
You could look in the back of 'Brides' magazine for professional speech writers. Send them your details and they will embroider a script and throw in 10 free wedding jokes, but it is hardly personal.
Wedding rules and etiquette can be daunting. Provided you get the main details correct the rest can come naturally. If you want to be absolutely correct, try one of the following books.· Etiquette Today by Lady Penelope. Published by Paperfronts, Elliot Right Way Books ISBN 0- 7160-0684-7
· Wedding Etiquette Properly Explained. V. Heaton. Published by Paperfronts, Elliot Right Way Books. ISBN 0-7160-0610-3
· Harrods Wedding Book. Sue Carpenter. Ebury Press. ISBN 0-85223-990-4
· Church Wedding. Ewen Gilchrist. Lion Publishing. ISBN 0-7459-1649-X
23. Don't Drink
Before The Speech If you are worried about your speech, too much drink beforehand may make it feel better for you but could make things infinitely worse for the listeners! As you are paying to have your Order of Services printed, why not stamp your personality upon them also? On the back cover you can print the map of how to get to the reception. On the inside, you can list the people who you wish to thank. Give the guests something to read while you sign the register. |
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At one wedding, the groom arrived half an hour after the bride. The bride was 25 minutes early and only a handful of guests were at the church. This would have been a good time for the groom to arrive. We sent her on her way again - 4 times. The groom finally turned up 5 minutes after the service was supposed to have begun, the time traditionally reserved for the bride. Although they all lived happily ever after, the last 10 minutes of that half an hour were difficult to say the least. It ended in tears. We all felt helpless to prevent the bride's happiness being slowly eroded by the absence of groom.
The conclusion is, therefore - "groom half an hour early and bride on time equals happiness."
26. Have A Fitting
Close To The Day.
If you have been under stress or perhaps dieting before the big day, make sure you arrange a proper dress fitting just before your wedding. A friend of mine who is a dress specialist tells a nightmare story of arriving at a bride's home on the big morning and finding that the Bride had changed from a size 10 to an 8 in the 3 months since her last fitting.
It is not unusual for a reception with speeches to last two hours or more. If there is to be an evening reception or dance, make sure you leave enough time. If you think it might be tight, make sure there is a place for evening arrivals to wait if the speeches over run. The bar, for instance.
Strip away the cars, the glamour, the dress and the suits, the food and the speeches to reveal the core of the wedding, its raison d'être.Weddings are about marriage. Two people who are in love committing themselves before witnesses to put the other person first and themselves second. For life. No matter what maturity reveals about the other party and no matter how hard things get.
As Christians, we believe in the sanctity and importance of marriage. My hope is that you too will remember the importance of the commitment you make to each other and not loose it's gravity within the glamour of the occasion.
The first words of the minister are that marriage is, in effect, God's idea. During the ceremony, the couple and the witnesses are invited to ask God to give his blessing and to strengthen their relationship. It is our belief and experience that excellent marriage is only possible with God's love available to reinforce our own.
Here are two hints. Firstly, if you have friends inclined to practical jokes, tell nobody where you will be spending your first night. After all the rush and excitement of the day, you will need to crash out in a safe place. Interruptions or pressure of any kind will not be appreciated.
Secondly, don't expect too much from each other on your wedding night, or even the first few days of the honeymoon. You will be physically and emotionally worn out by the wedding and it's preparations. You will need time to reflect and recover. You will now be looking at each other in a new light and, what is more, you will probably be in a strange location. Give each other time and space. Be loving and take it easy. (In those days, I used to think there were some couples who hadn't slept together before the wedding, but the same stuff still applies.)
It is fine to laugh at the couple's car festooned with toilet roll, shaving foam and balloons fluttering in the wind as they drive off into the sunset. It can be less amusing when it is your own car and you discover that the foam has damaged the paint and one of the cans tied to the bumper has bounced up and chipped the bodywork. Not to mention the smell of a dead fish in the heater that can take years to fade.
Instruct your bestman (upon threat of his life) exactly how far you wish the decoration to go. Keep the keys in your pocket. Alternatively, leave the reception in a taxi or hired car.
Most people are apprehensive about their wedding, but it is a pity to let nerves ruin your enjoyment of the day. It is, after all, your greatest celebration.
Brides appear more nervous than grooms, probably because the male of the species is less inclined to let any worry show. He needs to appear calm and collected and to be a rock upon whom his partner can lean. So it should be.
Ask yourself why you are nervous and you will probably have two answers. One will be the event, the other will be the magnitude of the commitment that you are about to make.
Although you have never walked an aisle in front of 100 people before and although you have never made a speech to a sea of faces, rest assured that the faces are friendly. The congregation are present because they are on your side. They will be with you all the way. They are not the enemy and they do not have to be frightening.
There is no way around the second answer. Marriage is a huge decision and one that has to be right. Take comfort that most couples find things difficult in the weeks leading up the wedding. Both parties are busier than they normally are, sometimes frenetic. The bride is especially busy and is often the one who needs most reassurance and stability.
It is for these reasons than there can be last minute confusion about the correctness of your decision. The whole issue can become overwhelming and you may just want to hide away until it all passes you by.
Be encouraged that you are not the first to go through this trauma. Remember that you reasoned and thought hard about the proposal when it was put to you months before. You were not overawed, overtired and overworked then. You thought clearly and considered the choice. You decided yes. If little has changed in your relationship since that time except for the burden of arranging the wedding, perhaps it is simply pressure that is causing the problem.
As the countdown progresses, the reality of the change in lifestyle and the dreaded but soon forgotten 'end to freedom' will come frighteningly close. Again, take courage from those who have been there, pressed through and lived to tell the tale. Forewarned is forearmed. If you are aware of the pressure that will be coming you can be better prepared to cope when the shaking starts.
As I write, our second child is imminent. It is due this week and perhaps coming even tonight. Who knows? Maggie and I both feel anxious and tired. We are worried about how we will cope, how much sleep we will get, whether we will love and accept the new 'intruder'. Exactly the same worries we tackled last time and the same ones that amounted to nothing the first time around. What short memories we have.
Finally, and despite my previous assurances, do not be pressured into making a decision that your heart tells you is wrong. It will hurt (and cost) to call off the wedding, but this is definitely the preferable option compared to years of remorse. If in doubt, seek advice from relatives, friends and, if necessary, professional counsellors.
Just in case you have not got the message by now, make sure that you rehearse the service with all parties present. The bridesmaids need to know what they are going to be doing, where they will stand and for how long. You will need to practice processing down the aisle to reach the altar at precisely the moment the music ends. The entry to the church will not appear so daunting if you have done it once already.
33. Small Bridesmaids
and Pageboys.
Despite all this, they will love every minute and will do their best for you. They will want you to be pleased. Make sure you both tell them that you are, no matter what happens. Then be grateful that you chose to have plenty of informal photographs taken. At least then you will have some pictures of them smiling and creating their delightful mischief.
34. More than just the
Ring Keeper.
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Bestmen, frequently, are not. The bestman has the biggest job of the day. He is the wedding's manager and it's promoter. He must know every rule and bye-law and have every arrangement in hand. He must know who has the keys, where the flowers are and who is responsible for the bridesmaid's presents. If the party arrive at the reception early, the best man must be there first re-arranging times with the catering staff. If the groom's car breaks down, he must provide another. Traditionally, he must also marry the bride if the groom fails to turn up, but we shall not go into that. How many bestmen get away with just a speech? And how do they get away with it? On your day, it should not be the bride and groom who run errands and take last minute messages to the professionals. This is the job of the bestman. He can make a tremendous difference to the day and can make or break it's smooth running. Make sure that you discuss these responsibilities with him. He may not realise what is expected. Show him this, and if he does not believe, show him any wedding guide you care to choose. They all agree. |
Make sure your bestman is the best by ensuring that he has the correct information to do his job properly. Communicate with him regarding the timing and direction of the day. Give him the knowledge and authority that his responsible position demands. Then, relax and enjoy your wedding confident that you have an assistant who will be able to cope with both the planned and unforeseen parts.
THE END
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