BONA TATTOOS

HORNE: I hear that tattooing is the latest craze and I wanted something like Steve McQueen.

JULIAN: Well, everyone to his taste. How do you fancy a loyal slogan like `England forever' or `I love Malcolm Muggeridge'?

SANDY: We did that one the other day on this chap.

HORNE: Which chap?

SANDY: Malcolm Muggeridge.

HORNE: I thought I'd have something a little more intellectual.

JULIAN: Yes, Sand. He lends hisself to something more cultural. How do you fancy the Dead Sea Scrolls down his back?

SANDY: No - he don't want to cover hisself with a lot of posh chat in Hebrew - he wants something with a bit of life in it. I tell you what I'd like to see - he could have scenes from Disney - Jiminy Cricket crawling up his left leg, Donald Duck scampering down his right leg -

JULIAN: Yes, and Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs marching round his middle and disappearing down his trousers.

SANDY: No, 0n second thoughts, it's a bit fey, isn't it? A bit whimsical. We can't decide really till we see what he could take. Get your shirt off and let's have a vada at you.

JULIAN: Yes, come on -let the dog see the rabbit.

HORNE: Just a moment then. Right. There. What do you think?

SANDY: Well you've got the area, I'll say that. Room to work. How do you think he'd take the Death of Nelson across his back?

JULIAN: Oh, fabe! And we could incorporate that mole as Nelson's eyepatch.. .

HORNE: Well, I didn't think this would come up, but it's not actually a mole - it's a beauty spot.

SANDY: Oh, get him ! The vanity of the man. Well, p'raps not Nelson then. How about reproductions of great masterpieces?

JULIAN: A bona idea. Now, let me see..

SANDY: He's pondering. He's trying to find it - he's got it - it's coming through - it's arrived - it's here - he's found it!

JULIAN: I see a Boticelli. No, no, not a Boticelli - p'raps an El Greco. No, wait a minute - I see him with a tiny but perfect Watteau.

HORNE: Yes, I've often been complimented on it.

SANDY: Jules - I'm not besotted by it. I think he'd take a Mona Lisa well. We could have her peeping through the holes in his string vest, smiling enigmatically. Yes, that's what we'll do - the Mona Lisa.

HORNE: What happens if I get tired of it?

SANDY: You just pop back in here. Jules will tattoo a moustache on her and, hey presto - you have your Laughing Cavalier.

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SANDY: By the time he did come back, we'd moved on. We'd had a little trouble with the landlord. He wanted `I love Bertha' with hearts entwined and a snake rampant up his arm, only unfortunately we run out of ink and it finished up reading `I love Bert' and his missus hit him with the mangle. But we'd got a bit fed up anyway and the muse of terpsichore was calling and we decided to go back to our first love - the ballet.

JULIAN: We were never at the Garden, you understand, but Sand and me had learned our trade with the Dame Nellie de Grunewald Cornpany (Highly recommended ar the Doncaster Festival de Terpsichore 1954) and enfin, as they say, we started our own little troupe. Just Sand and me. We called it the Ballet Bona, and when Mr. Horne heard we'd been asked to appear in the Balls Pond Road Festival of the Arts, he naturally trolled round to see us at our rehearsal suite over the eel and pie shop in Shoe Lane.

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