BONA HOMES AND GARDENS

SANDY: Hello Mr. Horne, ducky. It's us - Jules and Sand.

HORNE: Look you'd better come in before the neighbours see you. Now, this is my 1iving-room.

SANDY: Ugh! Nasty!

HORNE: What's wrong with it?

SANDY: Well, it's a bit vintage years of Hollywood, isn't it. I Couldn't live in a place 1ike this, could you, Ju1e?

JULIAN: Oooh no - I couldn't be doing with that flocked wallpaper - that'll have to go for a start. Gives me the horrors, it does. 0ooh - ugh - I shall have to go and have a 1ie down.

SANDY: Now look what you've done to him. You might have had the place redecorated before you called us round here. See, when he sees wa1lpaper 1ike that it completely dogs up his se1f-expression. Never mind, Jules, you can express yourself on his drapes.

JULIAN: Yes, we've got some bona curtain materials.

SANDY: Yes, fabe! Show him your swatch.

JULIAN: Yes - now, you have your plum velvet, you have your hessian, you have your silk -

HORNE: Wild?

SANDY: Absolutely insane!

JULIAN: Then you have your various florals - your Rhododendrons entwined with forget-me-nots, your Creeping ivy, then you have your dandelion. Take your pick.

HORNE: No, I wouldn't pick a dandelion; you know what they say. No - I fancy something a 1ittle different.

JULIAN: Well, 1t s all down to black leather then.

HORNE: Black leather curtains?

JULIAN: Very kinky.

SANDY: And if they wear you can always have them half-soled and heeled.

SANDY: Yes - put him down for leather curtains. 'Course, it means all that tat furniture'll have to go. It's quite out of keeping. What do you fancy, Jules?

JULIAN: I see Danish teak everywhere.

SANDY: Fabe!

JULIAN: A touch of Victoriana - say a chaise longue or a what-not. Do you fancy a what-not in the corner, Sand?

SANDY: Well, you want me to be frank, don't you? I mean, you like me to be blunt. You know me - tell the truth and shame the devil - well, frankly, man to man, I'm not besotted with the idea. It doesn't sing.

HORNE: Well, that's a relief anyway. I don't think I could have stood a singing what-not.

JULIAN: Wait a minute, wait a minute. It's coming to me, it's coming to me. I've got it, I've got it - Pa1ais de Versailles - gilt caryatids, full-length mirrors, chandeliers.

SANDY: Oh fantabulosa! Yes, but I think that ceiling'll have to go - it won't fit in.

JULIAN: Yes and that wall'll have to go - that don't fit in, neither.

SANDY: Let's face it, Jules - everything'll have to go - I mean, none of it fits in. Right, that's settled then. Now let's have a vada at this garden of yours.

HORNE: It's through here.. .

SANDY: Ugh! Nasty! I couldn't be doing with a garden like this, could you, Jules? I mean, all them horrible little naph gnomes - ooh - ugh !

JULIAN: Oh no - it's a bit Noddy in Toyland, ennit? All that grass - that'll have to go I mean, grass in a garden, Sand?

SANDY: Oh, trés passé. The mind boggles.

HORNE: What do you suggest?

JULIAN: Paving, that's the answer here-paving.

HORNE: Crazy?

SANDY: Absolutely insane! Or you have your various types of stone.

JULIAN: Yes, you have your Florentine marble

SANDY: Comes lovely in Florentine marble

JULIAN: Or you have your ceramics.

SANDY: Oh, fabe ceramics - all hand done by a disciple of William Morris in Ladbroke Grove.0r, Jules, wait a minute, how do you see his patio?

JULIAN: Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's all happening in here. I've got it - terrazzo !

SANDY: Oh, fantabulosa! Yes - and then maybe I could do something wild with a couple of creepers up his trellis. Yes, yes ! I'm beginning to see it now. Go on, Jules.

]ULIAN: Er - let's see - what about something decadent? A sunken birdbath?

HORNE: I'm afraid I don't know any sunken birds.

SANDY:: Oh, bold! Yes, go on - it's beginning to sing to me now.

JULIAN: Don't rush me, don't rush me - it's beginning come over me in waves. I see it as a miniature version of the piazza in Florence.

SANDY: Oh, it's a breakthrough! Mr. Horne, he's broken through. No - no - wait a minute - no - it won't work -

HORNE: Why?

SANDY: Well, you can't have a mock Tudor house with an Italianate piazza out the back.

HORNE: Well, what do you suggest we do?

SANDY: Only one thing for it. The house'll have to come down!

**************************************************************************************** SANDY: Mr. Horne got quite surly after that little incident and we didn't see him for some time. In fact, the next time we did see him was when we'd set up as tattooists. I won't go into the details of why we'd become tattooists except that Jules's friend, Jock, had come home from the sea covered in a riot of exotic designs - you should have seen his hanging gardens of Babylon - and we thought, well, the next trend's bound to be tattoos, so we got a quantity of Indian ink and some needles and set up shop. Next day, there was Mr. Horne on our doorstep. He was hardly inside the door before he blurted out his secret desires.

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